When I worked with torture and abuse survivors, I couldn’t stand to watch violent movies. I couldn´t even look at the news. I learned the hard way that we all have a threshold for negative input, and mine was full with my clients’ stories.
I was young, underpaid and overworked. I lived alone in a tiny converted garage my friends called “Magali´s doll house.” Sometimes I came home at the end of the day, heavy with having heard so many painful stories which mirrored those of my own family. All I could do was make some quick comfort food and read or watch movies (ruling out violence makes for slim pickings). I was too exhausted to cook a proper meal, get together with friends or even go for a walk or bike ride. It wasn´t sustainable.
Eventually I understood that a person’s tolerance for negativity depends on their inner strengths and social supports. In order to show up for my clients and stay well for the long term, I needed to shore up my resources. I decided that if I am going to expose myself to the worst things that human beings do to each other, I will make sure to balance that out with experiencing the very best things in life.
Self-care was a constant topic of conversation with clients, who needed inner and outer supports to face their pain and heal. I remember a survivor of incest who used to take herself to her favorite bakery for a treat after every therapy session. It was the only thing that made the process bearable for her.
At the rape crisis center we had self-care handouts, and in our groups we led an activity where clients would make an origami box and fill it with cards. Each hand-decorated card had one self-care suggestion. When the client was having a hard time, she'd pull a random card out of the box and do what it said. Most of our clients didn´t have much money, and some had very little time because they worked long hours or were raising children. Our self-care suggestions needed to be realistic, inexpensive or free, and accessible.
On social media I see articles criticizing the way the concept of “self-care” has been co-opted by beauty salons, spas and the like. Of course getting a massage can be nice and relaxing, but what if you’re an immigrant woman supporting your children and parents on minimum wage? You can´t afford to get one.
When women equate self-care with getting a mani-pedi, I remember my old credit union. It was next to a nail salon and shared its ventilation ducts. Whenever I went there, I smelled toxic fumes and emerged with a throbbing headache. I felt sorry for the immigrant women who worked in the salon and for the credit union employees who had to breathe those fumes every minute they were at work. There are other ways to care for yourself that don't cost a lot and don't create pollution.
What are they?
In my trauma healing work we taught clients to regulate emotions (based on the trauma healing work of Sandra Bloom, more about this later). The basic emotions are: sad, mad, glad and scared. Imagine each of them existing on a continuum from 0 to 100. For example, in the sadness continuum 0 is not sad at all, 20 is mildly bummed, 70 is dejected and 100 is suicidal.
Every emotion felt in great intensity can lead us to feel unsafe. It’s important to identify those moments and learn how to tone down emotions to regain safety. There are two ways to do that: express the emotion in a way that doesn´t hurt you or other people, and counteract it with something that makes you feel calm, centered, present and positive.
Different things work for different people. How do you cope with sadness? Do you like to cry or do you hate it? Do you cry with others or alone? Or does going for a solo hike work for you?
I coped with the grief of my second miscarriage by crying, painting mandalas, binge-watching a series on Netflix, and sleeping. I did that for five days straight and on the sixth day I felt very calm and ready to return to my regular life. After my third miscarriage, which happened when my daughter was about 18 months old, friends offered to bring me food, but I turned most of them down. I grieved by cooking. Something about stirring fragrant onions and garlic in olive oil until golden, chopping vegetables, making broth, and crushing dried herbs into pots of soup soothed me. Working with my hands in the kitchen, sometimes in silence, sometimes with music, was nourishing to my soul and my body.
While grieving, I discovered that caring for my daughter could be a way of caring for myself. It was okay for her to see me crying, but not all the time. Being emotionally available to her, playing, reading her books, doing the daily tasks of feeding, bathing and changing diapers gave me constant opportunities to return to the present. I felt grateful that I have one child, and understood that was enough for me.
One day I made play-dough in my kitchen. At first the sticky mass felt hopeless, but then the dough became more cohesive and I was able to divide it into batches. We added food coloring and a few drops of essential oils—to match the colors—to each batch. As I kneaded the dough, my hands were moisturized with the coconut oil in the mix, and the scent of lemon, lavender, douglas fir, rose geranium and peppermint invited me to breathe more deeply. The whole experience was strangely like getting a nurturing massage, but it cost a lot less and it yielded something that gave my daughter hours and hours of play.
Types of Self-Care
When I was thinking about different kinds of self-care, I unavoidably used my astrological mind to classify them. We astrologers hate to oversimplify our craft, but I made this chart to give you a list with self-care ideas, and to help you identify less-than-good coping strategies, and choose the healthier alternative instead. I promise it will make you feel MUCH better.
Although you can use it to find coping skills by Sun, Moon or Rising sign, the chart doesn't imply that only Aries people can benefit from working out, or only Pisces people feel better by meditating. It means that if you have the urge to lash out in anger at other people, you are having an Aries moment and you´d be better off going for a run. Or if you feel tempted to tune out and get high or drunk, you´ll get more out of meditation.
I hope you find the chart helpful, but remember self-care can be even simpler. Breathing long and deep through your nose—a free activity that you can do anytime—is the quickest way to go from stress to relaxation. Feeling gratitude for the good things in your life, no matter how small, is the second fastest road from negative to positive emotion.
You deserve to take good care of yourself. The great spiritual teachers I know converge on one point: our greatest job in this age is to stay rooted in the positive polarity. We can accomplish that by doing the things that nurture us and help us feel connected, calm, centered. From that strong place, we can approach the tasks ahead.
What are your preferred forms of self-care when you are sad, angry, scared, overwhelmed? Are you an introvert, extrovert or some of both? Do you prefer to do self-care alone or with others?
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